Just to give you an example of how difficult writing can be when your brain doesn’t want to play, here is an attempt I made to start a Journal this past New Year’s Eve. It’s the 427-word entry I mentioned in my first post. It was going to be my New Year’s resolution to write every day – but as you see I gave that up pretty quickly!
Not sure if I was down or up at this time. In fact, I still can’t tell the difference. Hopefully, in the next few weeks of “treatment” someone will let me know. I was evidently very antsy, and my thoughts wouldn’t sit still – but I wasn’t exactly happy happy. That’s kind of the way it is for me much of the time. Brain goes twenty to the dozen, but confusion reigns – and little gets done.
Saturday 31st December
What a load of old bollocks life is sometimes!
How on earth that managed to be the first thing that made its way into this journal I couldn’t say, but it’s taken me three days to get round to actually writing anything, and that’s the best, it seems, that I could come up with …
But the first hurdle, believe it or not, is leapt and cleared, because I wrote something.
Nothing comes easily these days though. My mind has taken to playing games with me and I struggle with the smallest task. Even this short prose has taken over an hour, merely because my mind calls me away from it so often; watching lame TV, running to the Chinese Takeaway even though I’m not hungry, playing with the font style and sizes. Currently on comic sans – but that will change, because it doesn’t feel right. Can’t decide on a decent radio station, none of them suit my needs right now. The classical station is unusually quick-paced and upbeat for this time of night, with Sousa marches and a xylophone rendition of Korsakov’s Flight of the Bumblebee, disallowing my mind to relax and slow down. And the soul station causes me to listen to the lyrics and lose concentration.
Another seven or eight changes of font style. Either too swirly, or too busy, or too hard on the eyes. And God help me with the background wallpaper style! Worst part of that is, the more natural the picture seems to be – grass or water or earth – the quicker my eyes are drawn to the bits of the picture that are exactly the same. A smaller picture made larger through Photoshop or some editing tool by duplicating areas and blending them into one larger image …. but I can see the parts that are duplicated, and it bothers me – so I settle for a pattern that is supposed to repeat itself just to stop me stressing over it.
It is the last day of 2011, and the time is plodding towards midnight and the magical freshness of 2012.
Such is my life at this moment. An uncomfortable, surreal existence. I feel totally displaced, almost floating in some sordid limbo, an extension of my nightly, vivid, restless, dreamful state – I don’t belong here right now, I should be somewhere else doing something else, but no idea what that something or somewhere else is. And in the absence of discovering my true place, I just want to sleep.
© Alice through the Macro Lens