Little voice

I heard from someone the other day, who said (about my blog) “I am a bit disappointed that it’s becoming more and more about pictures and less and less about you.”

Well, he’s not the only one who’s disappointed … I am too. But the truth is, photos are easier.

I don’t know what’s happening to me at the moment, but I have zero positive energy, and I’ve felt this way for days. My head is a complete shed, but without the massive, obvious, outward emotion or personality change. It’s all inside bubbling like a brewing volcano, but outwardly, I’m just flat and tired, and uninspired, and … well …. dead, really. I’m occasionally conscious of the thoughts in my head, and they are berating me for being a complete loser with no way out. No joy in my job, no money, no motivation, no ambition, no relationship, no support network …. Just a very, very little person in a very large, unappealing world.

I have tried sooo hard to boost the spirit and try to inject some positivity – avidly reading blogs by MindMindful every day, and clinging to the Mantras and other profound advice she gives …. but I can’t seem to hold on to any of it.

And once again, I think of my poor child …. He has seen this deadened version of me for at least a week now, and we cannot find a decent common ground. He is almost permanently on the defensive lately – and rightly so – because I have attacked him quite harshly a couple of times during the last few days, for no deserved reason. He doesn’t know which version of Mummy he will get from day to day anymore, and it hurts when I can’t predict it either.

Perhaps it’s the medication I am on. I assume it is. Last weekend, my mother came to visit – which, in itself, always causes a great deal of stress and anxiety. I had been “down” for a week prior to her visit, and this carried into Friday and Saturday. Then Sunday my mood suddenly shifted into Superwoman territory – a massive energy boost, during which I spoke way too much and too quickly, couldn’t make a decision about anything, became VERY irritated and upset with those closest to me, and impulsively bought tickets to Marrakech with money I don’t have.  I couldn’t decide whether to take my mum or my son (purchase was based on two sharing), so I bought three tickets (as you do). It now turns out my mother “hates” Marrakech, and my son would prefer to stay home – and the tickets are non-refundable, so there you are. And as soon as the money comes out of my account, it will take me beyond my overdraught limit, so the cheque will probably bounce anyway.

And now I’m just flat and non-responsive to anything resembling emotion, except for a few weepy tears and an unbelievable, incessant discourse going on in my head.

I’m due back to see the doctor for a medication review on Wednesday –  also for CBT on Thursday, start WRAP group on Wednesday, and there is a Team Around a Child meeting set up by the school on Friday – so it promises to be busy, and hopefully productive week to set me back on track.

Unlike before, writing this piece has not been a cathartic experience. It feels like I have to dredge it out somehow rather than it being a release of pent up thoughts. I have even wept on occasion during its writing, because I keep thinking what a complete nonsense this “life” of mine is, and wishing I could turn the clock back and have another stab at it.

When I first started this blog, my intention was to use it as an outlet to try and make sense of this crap that is happening to me. My photography has now encroached on that purpose, because, while I’m completely flattered that lots of people read my posts for the pictures and have good things to say about them, I also feel that my “writing therapy” has taken a backseat. I have this almost childish fear that if I write about what’s really going on with me, I will spoil the “feel-good factor” – burst the happy bubble – and disappoint and disillusion readers.

I just can’t seem to get my head around the fact that this is my blog. I have lost the courage to write what I want, and instead I have returned to doing what I have always done: worrying about what other people will think of me and rolling with the safe option, i.e. photos.

Hopefully, writing this will springboard me into a bit of action ….

and then, maybe it won’t ….

To be honest, I can’t even find enough energy to care.

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Categories: Alice's world, Just me | Tags: , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

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14 thoughts on “Little voice

  1. Sounds like a rough time, Alice. But your blog is your blog, and you should do with it what you like. Many of us will read on whether the tone is up or down, and in fact, that does make it a bit more interesting, doesn’t it?

    I love your photography, but you’re good with words too. Do what you need to.

  2. Oh, Alice! Your photographs are wonderful…but YOU are what’s important here, not even the most astonishing bug. Please hold on as best you can and prod your doctors about the medicine. I am no medical expert, but from what I’ve read/seen/heard about depression, it certainly sounds as if this is likely a physical problem and appropriate meds would be the first step to getting you “level” so that you can proceed with whatever other treatment you may need. And don’t be afraid to blog about anything that seems important, please.

  3. but you DO enjoy taking photos too don’t you? As you know I’ve been having a pretty torrid time lately too but the taking of photos is still a joy for me as I think it is for you??
    I’m glad there are lots of others coming to join the “Help Alice” machine… take all the help you can get…and it is YOUR blog so write just whatever pleases or doesn’t please you.. Hells Bells !

  4. “Alice” I don’t know if you have seen this group.. http://brokenlightcollective.wordpress.com/2012/04/30/alter-ego/

  5. polly

    I like seeing your photos they are wonderful.

  6. You say you’ve lost the courage to write what you want. That post took a lot of courage young lady. As for worrying what people think of you, after reading that, they’ll be proud to know you, if only thru the internet, i am. Photography, apart from fishing, is a great passion of mine. Macro photography is such a fascinating subject. Love insect photos, just ask my sis.

    Your blog is your blog. If it helps you get thru the day, post what you like. Not having my princess around me anymore, my blog, for what it’s worth, helps me get by. That’s why i do it. People read it, they read it. People don’t, they don’t. First and foremost i do it for me, it’s therapy. Do your blog for you.
    Love your insect photos. Take care

  7. Hang on there and let the storm blow itself out. Remember the sun that glows within you will be back again – your photos are undeniable proofs that it’s still there. Having the happy bubble burst is an inevitable event (you can’t always please everybody) but a stronger and happier bubble always come and replace the previous one. That’s what storms are for – clearing out the trash so that something stronger and lovelier will grow in its place.

  8. It’s YOUR blog, you may do with it as you please, as you feel at the moment. Perhaps at this moment of your life what’s really important is doing what you feel you need to do – rather than worrying about what the rest of us want from you. Life is a road full of speed bumps, some bigger than others, and if pouring out your emotions paints a picture of you that you don’t like, understand that we’ve all been there, we can take it for what it’s worth, without judgement. With a husband suffering with a terminal cancer, I have railed and ranted and wept in private,using a private blog as my outlet – a blog that someday may become public if for no other reason than to let others know we are all human, we are not perfect, we bleed, we cry, we resent what’s going on. We are humans.

  9. be gentle with yourself. We are here, cheering you on, holding you in our heart on days that are tough.

  10. Hello. I saw your blog for the first time yesterday. I was delighted at what I saw so I clicked “follow.” That being said, we are all complex individuals. As others have said, this is your site. You have expressed so much in this one post. I suspect each paragraph could have been expanded to be a post on it’s own. Hopefully you will be able to explore this. There are no rules to say that you must blog about very specific items. I say that because I”m probably the first person to impose rules on myself. I wish you the best on your journey. It took courage to write what you have presented. This does not take away from your other talents. It shows the depth of who you are. Best wishes to you on your journey.

  11. Well, I just started following, and I have no preconceived notions of what your blog (YOUR BLOG!!!) should be about. I like the pictures (those flys are pretty awesome!). I mean, I would say it is your blog, do whatever the heck you want and f* anybody who can’t handle that. But of course, I know that won’t really make you feel any better…(and that person who posted may have also been trying to be encouraging and supportive is their way, saying they like when you write about yourself). I’m sorry you are having a crap time of it now (I’m there myself…I can’t seem to get myself to sleep and have a sleep study this week…know I am going to catch hell). I hope you get some support soon (meds, all the other things you mention, etc.).

    Would it be inappropriate to give you a digital hug since we just “met”?? 🙂 As a professional writer myself, I would also throw out that just because you are not “technically” writing does NOT mean you are not actually writing. Sounds crazy, I know (well, I am crazy), but if you read some of the better writer’s guides like Writing Down the Bones or The Artist’s Way, they all say the same. The writing process is much more than simply putting the words on paper. Observation and notation is also a big part, and your photography is TOTALLY that. I know it may not technically be “writing therapy”, but to me, ALL writing is therapy.

    I wish you all the best!

  12. Alice, your blog is about you and what you want it to be, people will either like it or lump it. I’ve been where you now and it’s not easy, I know exactly what you are going through, and please believe me when I say that you can overcome this, in time. Medication takes time to work and it takes time to get the correct dosage and/or drug that works for you, please persevere.

    Photography is a great way to express yourself and is also a medium that you can concentrate on. I find that when I have a camera in my hand I can escape into my own little world and I have a lot of happy memories in that world. It gives you something to focus on and please don’t give it up as you are a fantastic photographer, I love your macro shots.

  13. Carl

    Hello. This someone is happy and amused that you are speaking about his comment on your blog. That’s very interactive, isn’t it? I have a lot of ideas for you but I don’t dare suggesting it on your blog. Shall I use your email please? Let me know. I really like what you do. Have a lovely day.

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