Posts Tagged With: raindrop

After The Storm

It’s so good to see how much the Broken Light Collective has grown since its inception in 2012. I posted a couple of times on it waaay at the beginning, and this photograph of mine has been featured today. As you will read, my life has changed drastically in that time too, and any channels that highlight the seriousness and pervasiveness of mental illness should be applauded.

 

I called this post “After the Storm”

Broken Light: A Photography Collective

Photo taken by contributor “Alice,” a 49-year-old woman living in the north of England. She has suffered with severe depressive episodes since her late teens, but only two years ago was diagnosed with Cyclothymia, a milder form of Bipolar Disorder, followed recently by an additional diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Along with her own struggles with mental health, her son, then aged 12, began physically assaulting her and has now been diagnosed with Conduct Disorder. Alice began her blog Alice Through the Macro Lens in 2012 in an effort to try to understand her journey through the mental health process and has used this forum to display some of her photography, in which she finds solace. Recently, she began a sister blog, Like a Circle in a Spiral to document the struggles of raising a child with his own difficulties.

About this photo: It was with no small irony that I just looked back to a couple of contributions I…

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Categories: Alice's world, pictures by Alice | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A rain poem …. (and picture)

My head is busy, noisy, struggling to find peace.
But in between bouts of madness I finally managed my own poem about rain and a photo that makes me feels reasonably calm:

Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day.

On second thoughts, come back and stay.
Send deluge down and wash away
The tears, the fears, the rent arrears,
The given name as it appears
On credit card and banker’s draft.
Let monsoon flood the bailiffs aft.

Bring cloudburst on and, with it, hail.
Drown out the offspring’s frightened wail
That stranded, man should understand.
Then bruise the bully’s stinging hand.
Let showers pour and flush aside
The errors, wrongs, mistakes I tried.

Oh, rain, let purer rivers rise
Spite crags’ and canyons’ compromise.
Though blind I am to future ends,
Dilute the past and present cleanse.
Sweet rain, be now my closest friend
And bring this heartache to an end.

Raindrops on pine

(Click on the photo for a clearer look).

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2014]

Categories: Alice's world, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Rain and me …

I tried to write a rain poem to accompany this photo, but in the end I just couldn’t say it better than Shel Silverstein did in 1974.

I opened my eyes And looked up at the rain, And it dripped in my head And flowed into my brain, And all that I hear as I lie in my bed Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head. I step very softly, I walk very slow, I can't do a handstand-- I might overflow, So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said-- I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head. Shel Silverstein 1974

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.
I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can’t do a handstand–
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said–
I’m just not the same since there’s rain in my head.
Shel Silverstein 1974

(Click on the picture if you want it bigger and better – I recommend it with this one!)

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2014]

Categories: Alice's world, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Through a dewdrop darkly …

You may recall that yesterday’s quick pic of a sycamore seedling had tiny dew droplet in the background …?

These two pictures are taken from the other side of that composition.
Voila!
Tiny dew droplet now takes front and centre stage!
Feel free to click on the pictures, and see them in all their microscopic glory:

A host, Innumerable as the stars of night Or stars of morning, dew-drops which the sun Impearls on every leaf and every flower. John Milton - Paradise Lost

A host,
Innumerable as the stars of night
Or stars of morning, dew-drops which the sun
Impearls on every leaf and every flower.
John Milton – Paradise Lost

Every dew-drop and rain-drop had a whole heaven within it.  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Every dew-drop and rain-drop had a whole heaven within it.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Categories: Alice's world, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

A bit more Sycamore ….

I’ve noticed that a few of the real photography bloggers I follow have a trend of presenting a group of pictures gradually through the week that all adhere to a particular theme. For example, one week, they may present a series of photos that illustrate shadows … or trees … or Spain … or dancing …. or flamingos. Then the next week, they’ll showcase a series of pictures illustrating daisies …or pigs … or … well, you get the drift.

For what it’s worth, I’m not one of those people.

Perhaps when I grow up, I could be a real photography blogger too; but in the meantime, it just happens that I took a lot of pictures of Sycamore seedlings on the weekend, and I’m not in the mood to be remotely inventive, nor go for another walk.

So … more Sycamores it is then.

Don’t forget to click on the picture to get a truer, sharper, clearer image!

Oh, and by the way, remember that droplet in the background, cos you’ll be seeing it again tomorrow ….

Seedling with dewdrop

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2014]

Categories: Alice's world, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I have not been myself lately …

This year has been strange. And quite frankly, I really don’t know what’s going on at the moment. Some people who pay any attention to my blog will know that, unusually, I did not post for a week, and prior to that, my posts were generally photo submissions with a minimal amount of written text. Even now, my interest in writing this post is apathetic at best – but I need to put something down – for my own wellbeing.

In April, I weaned myself off a high dosage of Fluoxetine (Prozac) after realising that it wasn’t preventing me from falling into occasional phases of depression, and noticing that I had periods of high energy, agitation, irritation, spending sprees, and general craziness. It was suggested this placed me at least somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, and “cyclothymia” was tentatively diagnosed. The Prozac was stopped because, if it was indeed anything bipolar, then anti-depressants weren’t recommended.

While medication-less, I hit crisis level a few times – including a moment of stupidity resulting in a visit to the hospital – and I was fast tracked onto treatment designed to address mood instability. I started taking a daily dose of 50mg Seroquel on 13th April. This was increased to 100mg at a review on 2nd May, with the intention of futher monthly reviews until my medication is correct.

All seemed to be going reasonably well – agencies had become involved (and seemingly concerned) with me and my son, meetings were held, lip service was offered, and, more importantly, I went through a phase of “normality.” I thought I was cured! I thought I’d found the magic recipe for getting well! I went to my job and spoke to my line manager about returning to work the next week.

All was well!

Then the Crash happened. Three days after going to my job, my mood plummeted and has continued to dive lower and lower ever since. Day after day I find myself sobbing uncontrollably – no clue as to why – and hurting more than I have hurt in any distant memory. Anything can trigger the sorrow – memories, photos, a tiff with my son, an unexpected expenditure, a sarcastic word from a shop assistant. Irrational thoughts, paranoia, hyper-sensitivity become soul-consuming …. That bizarre craving to sit down in the middle of wherever I am (a busy street, my living room floor, the waiting room at the dentist, the bus station) has returned – and any energy I may have is drained in the effort required to stop myself from doing so.

And then there’s the numbness. That horrible dullness that pervades everything. That flattening monotone, monochrome aura that seeps into everything I try to do.   I do try – I really do. I signed up for Camp Nanowrimo a few weeks ago with the earnest intention of writing a 50,000 word novel during the month of June, but the words are so hard to come by. I’ve tried, but it’s hard to write humour when you’re not feeling humorous. I have still been catching the bus to town on Wednesdays so I can attend my Wellness WRAP meetings. I even went one morning to the local college to get my hair trimmed, thinking it would boost my mood a little. Between leaving the house and arriving at the college I  decided to chop it all off – so it’s gone.  Didn’t do a thing for my mood though.

I have now struggled with this nonsense for nearly three weeks, longer and deeper than I can remember in any recognisable memory. It sucks, it hurts, and it shouldn’t be happening. I’ve had to defer going back to work again, because, trust me, my job isn’t the type of environment for the weepy.

Soooo, I hear you say – it’s lucky all these agencies are involved with us now, hey?

Well, it appears the honeymoon period is well and truly over!

  • Psych – I was supposed to have been moved from the “minor” team to the “intensive” team after my moment of stupidity in April. But I am still “between teams” and therefore have no support worker, no mentor, and no real assistance. I have called six times in the last two weeks asking for my monthly review with the doctor as arranged, so I can let him know about this change … But I’ve received no appointment so far – although they were “kind” enough to send a prescription in the post.
  • School  – following Team Around a Child meeting, establishing my need for assistance in taking care of my son, an incident occurred at school. He and I had had a fight that morning, and he backlashed at a couple of teachers (one of whom, incidentally, had been at the TAC meeting). They responded by punishing him and then calling me and telling me to “deal with him.”
  • Social services – I have been told by no less than five different sources in the last three months that referrals have been made to Social Care about us. As yet, I have received zero phone calls from a Social worker.
  • CAMS –  Conversely, no referral has been made for family counselling for my boy and me, and when I went there in pieces the other day, I was sent away with an instruction to go back to my GP for a referral.
  • Icing on the Cake – After trying to explain how I am feeling to a member of my family, they profoundly suggested that I pull myself together because I’m going to “fuck up (my son’s) life.”

Trying to continue to “function” during this type of episode is a double-edged sword. I often wonder if the fact that I still force myself to get up in the morning, that I push myself to walk the dog, that I confine my tears and anguish to times when no one is around to see me,  that I call anonymous helplines rather than giving my name, that I don’t break down or cause a loud scene when I’m refused help … I wonder if that effort to stay strong and dignified in public causes me to slip through the net. I wonder if they see me quietly reading a book on a bus an think there’s no hurry to help me because I don’t look like a nutter.

I wonder if stoicism has been mistaken for wellness.

Well, I’m not well … and, quite frankly, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep up this chirade without somebody reaching back.

Categories: Alice's world, Just me | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

Bug-a-day #34 – after the rain

It has rained for two straight days here in most parts of England, and there has been little respite from the cold and the wet.

However, this evening – just before the sun went down – the rain let off for a few minutes, allowing most dog owners to give their pets a small window of opportunity to relieve themselves.

While I was out there, I noticed some very interesting raindrop patterns on the plants, so I went back in and retrieved my camera.

I noticed a few Ladybirds and tried to capture them, but the light was too dull for a clear picture without a tripod. And then I remembered my camera has a flash – something I haven’t used since I bought it!  Not the easiest thing to use with a macro in dim light, but it showed some great soggy insects.

So, while I said I wouldn’t portray the same bug more than once for this challenge, I think I can be forgiven for revisiting some very wet versions of Ladybirds and (I think) a Hoverfly.

Click on the images for clearer views.

 

 

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2012]

Categories: Alice's world, Bug-a-day, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Weekly Photo Challenge: Two subjects

The challenge this week is to incorporate two subjects into the same photo ….

So bring on the Dewdrops!!!!

There’s a short story behind this, in that my beloved offspring, messing around with his numpty mates, thought it would be fun to throw rocks at the visitors’ centre of the castle. He broke one of the windows, and to his credit, he did fess up to the crime. However, we are looking at a rather hefty bill to pay for the damage. As £5 a week pocket money will take years to pay the bill off, I’ve thought about taking some more unusual pictures of the castle that may transfer to prints for the visitors’ centre to sell and recoup some of the money that way.

The foggy one I did previously was one I was thinking of, but since my ongoing battle with dewdrops, I thought I’d see what I could come up with in that area. This picture was among about fifty I took a couple of weeks ago.

I want to stress (mainly because I keep being accused by family members who have been looking over my shoulder while I was looking through these) I have not Photoshopped this photo in any way, except to crop, enlarge, and colour correct. I didn’t superimpose the castle on the droplet – it was refracted in the dewdrop. I have added a second close-up of the first photo and inverted it so you can see the castle clearer.

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2012]

Categories: Alice's world, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 99 Comments

Rain, rain, go away ….

I just wrote a whole page of very distressing, very angry, very unhappy prose about the way I currently feel. I was intending to post it here on my blog – but I have decided to save it to draft and not burden the blogging community with such depressing reverie.  Unlike on Sunday, when this bout of low mood drove me to write with rather therapeutic results, this time the typing did nothing to ease the pain nor dissipate the thoughts.

Suffice it to say I am grossly unhappy, tearful, hopeless, and at a loss for where to turn right now.

So in the absence of any real support, I turn to what is rapidly becoming what I am most well known for – my photographs.

Today, it rained, and earlier this morning I experimented with various combinations of lacy net curtains and the rain on the window in which they hang.

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2012]

Categories: Alice's world, Cyclothymia | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

Bug-a-day #11

Well, I don’t know about your part of the world, wherever you may be, but it’s been piddling down with rain in my neck of the woods all day.  But it did ease off just after dinner this evening, so I took the dog for a quick walk before the light disappeared completely.

I had taken the camera just in case – but there was little to experience, except a lot of soggy, closed flowers, a few very damp toadstools, and a great deal of very slippery mud (as evidenced by the state of my backside when I got home…).

And what’s more, there were no insects or buggy creatures of any type, except for slugs, which I didn’t feel like taking pictures of right now.

So I snapped a few shots of raindrops dripping from the tips of leaves (as you do… ) and a couple of sad looking mushrooms, and headed home.

But – as the saying goes – never say never …. Look what I found shivering next to one of the above mentioned raindrops!

“What is it?”  I hear you say.

“I haven’t a clue,”  say I.  “But it’s a Bug.”

And, therefore, I present you with Bug-a-day number 11.  Tadah!

© Alice through the Macro Lens [2012]

Categories: Alice's world, Pictures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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